Task after task after task..

January is an interesting month for me.  It is a time to set goals and resolutions, but it is also the darkest and coldest time of the year.  It's also tax time.  So for me, I am dealing with 2 business taxes and then personal taxes.  It consumes my thoughts until I get it done.  Taxes, Taxes Taxes!  I can see the end of the tunnel, I am just not sure yet if it is a train.

Today, I did my grocery shopping at Sam's Club.  That was an interesting experience.  Buying in bulk supposedly is saving my time and money.  I desire both.  With both Brian and I eating much healthier, here are the items that I bought today for record:

Beef Jerkey
Asparagas
Chicken Breasts
Frozen Fruit
Apples
Turkey
Roast Beef
Chicken
Salsa
Eggs
Kiwi
Whole wheat bread
Whole wheat tortillas
Water
Brussel sprouts
Sugar Free Pudding
Triscuits
Baked Lays
Rotisserie Chicken

I also found the cutest bag for my scriptures and church.  I LOVE IT!! So much better than my purse.  So now the budget is done, the groceries are bought, I can focus on my lesson for Sunday and finish up those dang taxes. 

I had a small melt down on the phone today.  I was talking with Brian and he wanted me to set aside money in the near future towards the house.  I cried because I couldn't take one more task to my list.  You know what task is bothering me the most?  I can't get a hold of one of my ladies for Visiting Teaching.  Help me out here!  I am sad, I also lost Kim Simmons as my VT and haven't heard from anyone new.  Kim came and visited me last week, just in case.  I have really loved her.  So bummed!

I am Truly Blessed

The last few days, I have had an overwhelming feeling of peace.  I am so grateful for this week and the different events I have been able to go to.

Monday night, we went grocery shopping for FHE.  Hey, sometimes that is just the way it works out, especially if the week is busy for me.  We mainly shopped for Brian.  He has now started training with Wes.  As of today, he has already lost 2 lbs.  Go Brian.  I cannot belive how much meat we have to buy.  I have come to the conclusion, that it is best to buy it in bulk at Sam's Club.  Oh, the joys of bulk buying! 

Tuesday night, we had our RS Enrichment night on baking bread.  I bake bread, I'm just terrible at it! HA!  I enjoyed the instruction and the company, but I left a little discouraged as to my abilities and lack of equipment.  They say that everything is in its seasons.  Baking bread right now, I close that chapter for a little while.  Kristen and I were going to go to Yogurtland afterwards, but decided not to, as it was 14 degrees outside. 

Last night, I went to my wards New Beginnings.  I earned my Honor Bee!  HOORAY!!  Honestly, the greatest joy I got out of the evening is not receiving the bee, oh alright, it did give me the giggles.   But the most joy was seeing Alexa gleam as she had earned her own YW Medallion.  That was awesom!!  We are taking her to the Roof to celebrate on Saturday night.  We are all excited to celebrate her hard work!!

Tonight, I am off with  my favorite ladies to celebrate Kristen's birthday!  I really enjoy the company and I am so looking forward to a little time with the girls.

A tough Weekend.

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days.  I had a very rough weekend, and now life is feeling a bit better.  Brian and I had the biggest fight we have ever had in our entire marriage.  To the point that we said out loud that we loved each other, but we were not "in love" with each other.  No covenants broken, no secrets kept, just we didn't get along. 

The hardest part about a conversation like that is that words that can truly express how one feels, cuts deep to the core.  It tests what kind of foundation that you stand on for yourself and for your spouse.  I cried.  I cried for 2 days.  It was so hard and difficult and I felt that I was the biggest problem.  There was a moment where I packed my bags and was ready to leave.

We agreed that we needed to work on just him and I.  As we are both being pulled in our different directions and trying to focus on Shaeler more, we neglected each other.  We were warned about that.  Honestly, I feel that the Lord allowed this to happen so that our marriage could be strengthened.  It is one thing to be happy in marriage when everything is going great, it is another thing to be happy when your marriage is struggling. 

Things are a lot better.  I had been wondering if I was having pride issues because of my weight loss and new found attention.  Trust me, this knocked all and any pride out of me.  I am trying to be more helpful to him and he brought me home flowers yesterday.  We are trying to communicate more with each other during the day and having morning prayer for just he and I where we pray for just things to help in our relationship.  

The adversary sure is working hard in tearing families apart.  We were hit from behind and never saw it coming.  I should have.  But we are on the recovery and the way I see it, it can only get better from here.

I am Most Effective When I Ask the Lord for Help!

Today has been yet again another busy day.  I am simply blown away with all that was done and yet I give all credit to my Heavenly Father.  When I have busy days I always humbly ask for help.   When I am smart enough to do this, I am blown away with what is accomplished.  Here is my list for today:

Wake up at 5:30
Read scriptures and Jesus the Christ
Get Shaeler ready for school
Make breakfast and Shaeler's lunch
Take the girls to school
Visit Wes and get weighed in and new menu
Go work out for an hour
Receive a box full of pictures from my mom and talk to her on the phone for an hour.
Start Laundry
Cleaned kitchen
Eat lunch
Power Nap
Clean the entire rest of the house
Take Shae to piano lessons
Clean out closet in front bedroom (Organize file cabinet, Christmas wrapping and ribbons)
Make Dinner
Make and Bake Sugar Cookies
Bank credit cards
Write this journal entry

The box of pictures my mom sent me was like going down memory lane.  The pictures I enjoy the most to look at are of the ones from when I was a child.  I dont really enjoy my baton pictures and my teenage years so much.  But my childhood brings me great joy to look at a relive the memories.  Thank you mom for sending me these pictures.  It was a very kind gesture and I will treasure the memories.

Had my cheat meal tonight of pizza, cookies and ice cream.  It was delicious!

I also downloaded a new software called Dragon. It allows me to speak into a microphone and not have to type at all. In fact, I'm using it even now. I will just say that it is totally awesome. It is definitely a learning process though.

The check list is diminishing!

Brian bought us both new phones this last December.   The calendar with google that we can sync with each other was well worth the money, heck I would have paid bigger bucks for the open communication that is going on.  He adds something, I get updated.  I add something, he gets updated.  It is totally AWESOME!

One of the applications I added to my phone is a To Do List Manager.  I am a check off girl.  As the week began, I had so much on my plate that my list had 18 items.  I left off my everyday stuff just so I wouldn't overwhelm myself.  At the beginning of the week, I slowly check items off.  I could see the end of the tunnel, I just wasn't quite sure if it was a train yet.

I have 2 items left on my list.  Suzanne is on FIRE!!  I am accomplishing so much in my life, I am simply blown away.  HOWEVER - I am also super tired.  Where is the balance?  Much to do, very little energy to do so.  Doesn't matter, I feel in control of my life and my brain is a lot free-er to think openly.  I tell ya, I fall asleep like the drop of a hat because my brain is not carrying the to do lists in my mind.

Last night I had another dream about having a baby.  Didn't know I was pregnant and BAM!  I had a baby of my own.  Last night's child was a little boy and it seemed to have a little ethnicity to him.  I was overwhelmed with emotion holding this boy in my arms.  It was meant to be and he was exactly where he was suppose to be.  It was pure happiness.  Perhaps this is one of my millenial children?  That would be great, but explain to me the ethnicity background?  Brian is pure Belgium and German.  I am English, Scottish and something.  Either way, his name was Travis Wake Rentmeister.  I know!  Very weird.   He was beautiful and he was mine and it was a glorious dream. 

Sometimes, I just don't understand.

Today was a day of deep thought.  As I drove to work, Brian called me and was venting about his frustrations with a certain someone.  That's my job as his companion is to allow him to vent his frustrations and then listen with understanding.  It is hard to see loved ones make poor choices.  It's even harder when they make poorer choices and then don't want to deal with the consequences. 

When I got home from work, reality hit me of my own consequences.  My sister de-friended me on facebook.  This is the 3rd family member that has done this to me.  Man, I must be on a roll or something.  What I don't get is that I do not attack or maliciously attack any of these people.  I cannot think of any reason or event that would justify my loved ones not wanting to be associated with me.  In some ways, it is very hurtful to me.  I may live differently, but they have their life and I have mine.  Bottom line, I still love them.  I don't attack and I don't live an offensive life.  I try to follow the Savior's example and am quite shy.  I have no problem living my life with confidence, but it leaves me energy that I prefer to reserve for those who are close around me.  My new year's resolution was to be more outgoing this year.  Yes, me!

I have pondered these things in my heart and this is where I am at so far:
1.  No matter what, I still love these people.  I will never throw in the towel on them.
2.  I am what I am.  I cannot reach the expectations of those around me, especially when they don't know me and when they don't want anything to do with who I am and how I live me life.
3.  The only solution I have is just to love them back.

I felt strong impressions at church last week to send my sister a Book of Mormon.  I have been going back and forth on a way to send it without offending her.  I even bought chocolates to go with it.  But how do you write a letter and send an unwanted gift to someone who hates you?  The only answer I have is that I am taking it to the Lord. 

Life will go on and I will probably be defriended on Facebook many more times after this.  I'm use to the shots, they don't hurt as bad now.  I still am caught off guard when the shots come from family members, but I'm not walking in their shoes and have no idea what is going on in their heads to really know the intentions of why.  Just got to keep plugging along and hope that one day, they might walk in my shoes for a day.  Perhaps the judgements would be a little less harsh. 

Just a few thoughts.

As I was working out this morning, I headed over to the air runner because I felt like I was going to pass out on the stairmill.  I had to stumble my way over to a bike to sit down for a minute and pedal slowly to calm myself down.  I was sweating profusely and the exzema I have been fighting with my hands, flared up my arms.  I was a sight for sore eyes.   So, needless to say, I spent the last 25 minutes of my workout at a slower pace.  I looked around the room and saw a lot of women and their work out attire.  My thoughts turned to the temple, specifically the baptismal font.  I find it interesting that as an endowed member, I am given endowed garments to wear in the water.  I am sopping wet, much like a swimming pool and it is important for me to have my garments on.  Hmmm.....made me start to think of the importance of wearing my garments at all times.

The other thing I want to note about today is Shaeler and her spelling tests.  She loathes practicing her spelling words and sentences because I make her write out her mispelled words 3 times after she tests with me.  She hates it!  I left her to write while I went to the bathroom and found her at the table with her head put down and only written her sentences once.  She was putting her foot down and refused to continue on.  Her biggest argument was that her head hurt and her hands were tired.  I calmly and lovingly informed her that she had a choice.  She could either finish her work and then have a play date or not finish her homework but could not have a play date.   Either choice was fine with me.  She glared at me with her arms folded and scowled because either way, she felt she was at a loss.  I offered as a bonus that we could pray together to have Heavenly Father bless her that she would be able to finish her work.  Stubbornly, she opted for the prayer.  I said the prayer.  I tried to say the words that she would know that her father in heaven loves her and that he desires to help her.  And that her education, although is hard work, is well worth her efforts.  After our prayer, she picked up her pencil and wrote her sentences with ease and no grunts.  I am not sure if she felt that my prayer was answered for her, but it was most definately answered for me.

I cleaned out our shoe basket in our mud room because Brian and I had an argument of the placement of the basket.  I found out that Shaeler has just as many shoes that I do and because of the argument, I polished 4 pairs of black shoes with the new polish I bought.  See, there is always a silver lining.  

My to do lists are eating me alive, but I knocked out a ton of work today.  It is the small steps, but parts of me long for the days of the Christmas holiday where I didn't have much to do.  I wonder if that would get old with me after a while?  Probably!  Such is life!